12.07.2010

Keeping It Real


I've been away from this space, I know. And I left without warning or explanation. I'm back now and I feel comfortable sharing a little about where I've been.

Several weeks ago Alex and I were thrilled to learn we were expecting our second child. It was especially fabulous news for us because it has been so challenging for us to conceive. I spent the next little while in a splendid daze of queasiness and bliss. Thanksgiving day brought us heartache though, as I woke that morning with something just not right with the baby. We spent most the day in the ER as I miscarried our child.

My parents and sisters rushed to be with us and to care for Burl while Alex and I waited at the hospital. As he and I drove home later that day, I was filled with two overwhelming and opposing emotions. I was so, so sad for what had just happened. Yet I was overwhelmingly thankful for the life I live. For my husband. For our beautiful son. For the life that had been inside me. For the happiness I have. And I felt that if these are the worst conditions I'm having to endure, I will endure them willingly.


I spent the next week or so feeling sad and sorry for our loss. I tried embracing the despare and really allowing myself to experience the grief. I tried finding the proper balance between feeling disappointment yet not wallowing in sadness.

I'm on my way back up now and I feel good. I have deeply rooted beliefs in a Savior and Father in Heaven who love me and want me to be happy. I am blessed, and I know I will continue to be blessed. So thank you for being patient while I was away. And thank you for being my friends.

21 comments:

hannah at honey & jam said...

I am so sorry for your loss. It must be so hard to lose a child.

It is comforting to know that you have a Savior that loves you, isn't it?

Jennifer said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, you and your family will be in my prayers.

Kathie said...

I'll be sending some hugs your way and saying some prayers for you too.

Sarah Jackson said...

Sending peace your way. I have been there and know that pain. Much love to you and your family.

heather smith jones said...

Oh Amber, I am really sorry you lost the baby. But it is true, God loves you and will see you through. Thank you for sharing your experience here with us so we can be thinking and praying for you.

Alyssa said...

Amber, I am so sorry to hear this! I was so excited for you... and now I feel selfish wallowing in my own morning sickness. You are a fabulous mother and I miss you... you are so blessed.

Liane said...

oh honey. i am so sorry. i think of you and wish you some comfort.

ReArtingDotNet said...

I am so very sorry...Consider yourself hugged.

Poppies and Milk said...

oh, amber... i just read this. sending you love...

victoria said...

sweet amber, you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

abby said...

Amber, I am so sorry to learn this. In difficult situations it is especially comforting to have such love and support. I am so glad to know you have that around you (and you have so much love and support here too). Sending love and strength and warmth.

COFFEE & MORPHINE said...

I am so very sorry.

seedpod said...

Amber-
Hang in there. The healing process can be raw and extreme. I've lost 2 babies to miscarriage, and though they were really hard to go through emotionally, I can look back at both of them now as extremely spiritual experiences. I felt so carried by the Savior and really felt open to FEELING his presence and that I am enough.
HUGS!

nicole said...

I am deeply sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. I hope the warmth and peace of Christmas is a little balm on your grief.

Julie Alvarez said...

Amber, I am really sorry for your loss.
But I am glad that you are wise enough to keep focusing (no matter how hard it is) on the things that you are lucky to have.

Hanlie said...

i will think about you in my prayers, i know nothing i can say will make it better, as i've been there not so long ago. losing my baby boy only 2days old , i thought nothing will ever matter again. but God has blessed me with a lovely little girl a year later and slowly life seems to start making sense again. lots of hugs xx

Plain and Joyful Living said...

Thinking of you and shedding a tear as I pray for you and your family.
I so appreciate what you wrote about the loss bringing a deeper love for all that you do have.
May you be blessed during this beautiful time of the year.
Love, Tonya

(Your giveaway goodies have been such a wonderful treat for us. I have a tealight burning near me now. I did blog about it awhile back, not sure if you saw it. - many, many thanks).

Valerie said...

I'm sad for you.
We've been on that road, too.
Wishing you love & support.
And I hope you won't mind if the mother I am gives you a big hug across ocean & land to the momma you are.

Jennifer said...

So sorry for this to have happened to you all. But God is good and you are finding that so true. xoxo

natalie said...

amber, i just read this & my heart goes out to you. luke & i will be praying for you & your family. love you!

Alicia A. said...

Amber, I am just now reading this.

I am so so sorry.
Big hugs from me too.