I'm So Emotional

Beware, the following are the emotional ramblings of a very, very pregnant mama.

I know it's time for this babe to come soon, because I'm an emotional wreck. I've been here before, I remember breaking down in the shower a day or two before I had Burl, and just feeling so sad that my whole world was about to change. I remember feeling so melancholy and sad that my relationship with my husband was going to change. That my dogs were not going to be my number one any longer. I remember doubting our decision to have a child and wondering if we made the right choice; Why did we make this choice???

Of course all of that changed as soon as I had Burl, and this incredible bond instantly occurred between me and my new babe. And I was right, things are very different between Alex and I now. Our love is still just as strong, but now we don't fall asleep next to each other. We fall asleep with this perfect little boy, half him half me, that we created together laying between us. We lay there, with the moon light on our faces and stare at each other and the perfect little boy who lays between us, and we feel nothing but bliss.

I'm having similar thoughts now as I approach this birth. Did Alex and I make the right decision to have another child? How in the world is it possible to recreate a bond and relationship so strong and magnetic as I have with Burl? How is it possible to love again the way I love Burl? This strange little being in my tummy is still so foreign, so abstract, I just can not imagine repeating what I have with Burl.

I'm so very sad and weepy to think that Burl's little world is about to be turned upside down. A large part of me wants to just deliver this babe, nurse him when he needs it, then hand him off to Alex to care for so I can continue to give Burl my all. Burl really is my everything. And I'm feeling very somber that everything is about to change between us.

I've been trying desperately to savor these last moments I have alone with Burl. Truth is though, he has been so difficult the last month or so. So ornery and defiant and frustrating, and sometimes downright mean to me. It's been difficult and I have not be able to enjoy him as of late. I've been wanting to send him away to any relative willing to take him for the day. It's been challenging, in my emotional-charged condition, to keep my patience with him, especially when he's constantly telling me to "Go Away! I don't like you, Mommy!" and throwing things at me, and doing everything opposite that I ask of him, then the next second wanting me to hold him and cuddle him.

I don't think I'll look back on this time fondly, yet I know these stages Burl is going through are completely age-appropriate. He's maturing, yet he still needs so much tenderness from me. He still needs and depends on me for everything, yet he wants to stretch his boundaries, and he gets frustrated. He wants to be "a big boy", but still needs me to snuggle him and hug him and reconnect with him many, many times throughout the day. He sees the habits of the older kids across the street and wants to be like them. Yet he still wants to be my "Baby Kitty". No doubt, he is dealing with very frustrating, conflicting emotions. And when he needs to speak out, I'm the one there to take it. And he absolutely needs me to be patient with him during his emotional ups and downs.

I don't cry often. But I've had big, wet tears running down my cheeks for a couple hours. And I know I'll go to bed tonight with a headache. But at least I'll have my little Baby Kitty to cuddle to take some of the sting away.


Julie Alvarez said...

Not only the age, but the nearness of a baby brother/sister! I dare to say that it's completely normal, that you, both him and yourself, feel and act that way, now that the new baby is coming. New baby will need you so much that this sounds like a trial, like the essay that often nature sends us to prepare ourselves. I see it just as the fact that we often don't sleep all night before the birth. It's a preparation, isn't it? It might be making you easier the welcoming of the new baby.
I say (if I dare so), don't stress a bit! Other family members might give him the patience and breath that you can't right now. And he will still love you as much as always knowing that you have so much love to give...

Sarah Jackson said...

Oh, mama. Tons of hugs and loves and good wishes. The love for that next baby comes like magic. You'll make a new rhythm and wonder how your life was ever complete before. Burl will too. Do a lot of deep breathing (3 is both the best and the worst age). It will pass.

Zwieback said...

My english isn´t very good, but I will try to say you something. When I was pregnant with my little baby girl, I had the same feelings. I was so unsure, where this baby would find a place, cause my son was in the middle of my life and my love.

At that moment when I saw my little daughter the first time, there was so much love in my heart and my soul, that I was sure, I could have a lot of babies, the love would be enough for each one of them.

Your son will love his sister too, the baby won´t com alone, it will bring a lot of love, luck and magic to all of you.

I wish you all the best, Manuela